Feels like a while.
A while since I've woken up and actually felt inspired to go through the progressions of daily life. Lately it just seems like I'm churning out the same monotonous excersices day in and out. Like a man working in a field, confined to a back-breaking labor while being burnt by the suns rays. No Escape. Stuck.
Every now and then life seems to get stuck.
Stuck in a way that hinders forward progress because obsession of the shitty predicament I'm inhabiting is holding me back. I guess it's a mental thing. I should be stronger than it, and sometimes I succeed in doing so, but other times it dominates me.
And it feels like a while.
A while since I can say I've had a real friend. Or maybe I've never had one. Just the allusion of one. Someone who will put their mask on and pretend to be someone specifically, and then later remove that mask and sell you out for the 'next best.'
The 'next best'
Have you ever considered that you are never the next best. You are the fallback that is keeping somebody from truly achieving their aspirations. You are the chain and ball that has tethered them to the ocean floor.
It's a similar feeling to being dirt. If I knew how dirt, an inanimate object felt, it would probably feel discouraged. Dirt is never appreciated; much like many of the friendships that bond people together are.
And the thought that scares me more than anything is thinking that I'm the only person who feels this way. That I'm the only person that feels isolated enough to say that I feel like I have no one to depend on. Maybe it's just the age.
Or maybe I have some critical flaw as a human being that prevents people from liking me. All people feel that to some extent I would believe. Now that I think about it more; I don't have some critical flaw as a human. People are just self-centered, including myself, and their nature is to get the best for themselves.
Life.
Just trying to trade up. Go up the hierarchial pyramid that is established.
Well, the way I feel about it; fuck it.