7

A Call.
A simple call was all I needed. It's been too long, and I've missed you.
Missed you more than you could think imaginable. All this time I thought you hated me.
Hate is such a strong word.
Can't we got back to how we used to be?
Not possible I guess. To many years have passed.
What a strange thought;
years have passed.
Where did the time go that we used to have?

6

It’s always a weird phenomena for me to look back at the person I used to be. But an even weirder thought is to realize that I am most likely still the same person. A quote I’m often using when people tell me that they’ve change is that “People never change, they just wear a different mask.”

The mask being what they portray themselves as, hiding their true identity beneath.

I’m stuck wondering if I’m wearing a mask sometimes. 

People some to be so interchangeable. One friend quickly fades while another invades the landscape. Shortly to be fade and have the same cycle repeat. What a depressing cycle. A cycle where people grow apart. People who once knew each other and found common ground in an assortment of interests. 

Looking back at my life, I always find it strange to think of all the friends I once had but whose names I struggle to remember. But as forget-able as they are to me, I’m sure that I am just as forget-able to them.

Different routes that we all endure lead us all to different places. Routes that we believe will lead us in a certain direction that we think has an overall result that will help us gain. So often these paths that we take are riddled with trials and tribulations; some good, but mostly bad. 

If a person we to look back at five significant moments in their life, I could honestly promise you that a majority of their memories would be based on negative circumstances. It is so easy to focus on the negative in life because we recognize the immediate pain that it presents. We are a society that when the things are going well, we don’t recognize the pleasure we are receiving for what it is. But when the tables have turned and all is wrong, everything bad seems to metastisize in our lives.

But it seems so hard to recognize that positive in life because we, as a society, take almost everything given to us for granted. When good things are happening, the time flies and attention to all the positive things that are happening in life are brushed to the side. The logic is;

“Hell, if it’s good now, It’ll be good for a long time.”

This logic seems to often to be flawed. Riddled with the false promise of actual fulfillment in a life that seems to have no actual purpose. At least no recognizable purpose that I can fore-see. But I wish I’m wrong. In fact, I could only hope I’m wrong. I wish that I had an assurance that there is something greater promised to us after this life. 

Knowing about the future makes dealing with the current situation more bearable. Not knowing about the future leaves a wafting mist of the unknown floating through our lives.

We Live.

We Do a Few Things.

We Do a Few Things We Regret.

Make a Little Money.

Spend a Little Money.

We Die.

The End.

cb's idea elaborated upon

What’s the motive for you rising every day and placing one foot in front of the other? Where is the will being generated from that keeps your internal engine turning? What are the self imposed restrictions that you have placed on yourself from reaching your potential? At what point do you finally realize that you’ve had enough?

It seems that we as a society are so often confined to such a small world. Going through our daily lives performing the same meaningless task that we did the day before, as well as the the other thousands of days. What is it like to live a life of true meaning? Even better, does such a life exist? How are we supposed to be able to add some sort of meaning to a world of seven billion with such a little amount of time. 

I realize more and more that those who are remembered the most are also those whose stories have been elaborated upon the most. Look at Jesus for example. Excuse my sac-religious nature.

Actually, don’t excuse my sac-religious nature. Embrace it for what it is. Enjoy a concept that might be different from the one you carry. Understand my point of view and hopefully it will help you better clarify your own.

Sometimes, a person is able to further complicate one’s owns beliefs by experiencing another mans which are to the contrary.

A reason why there is such little tolerance in our world lies in the fact that people are unwilling to accept things outside of their realm of comfort as acceptable. How are we ever going to be able to break this never ending cycle of judgement and self restriction if it is so deeply ingrained in our society? It seems impossible.

But impossible is nothing.

Impossible is a big word tossed around by small men. Small men who complain that a task can’t be accomplished because of the barriers that lie in the way. The men that are remembered are the men that shattered these barriers. No man has ever been remembered for living an average life. The proof of this can be found in your history books.

Tell me who Alex the Third is from 17th century England. Exactly; you can’t. I’m sure that at some point in the 17th century and Alex the Third existed. But did he live a life of exceptional proportions? Probably not, otherwise he would be remembered today. But correct me if I’m wrong. For the sake of the argument I’m trying to create, ignorance is not bliss.

an issue

An Issue of National Proportion

As Americans, we have a given set of guaranteed amendments. These amendments range in specifications and purpose, but serve to perform one goal. To protect and guarantee the rights of American citizens. The basic Amendments are the foundations for which this country has been established upon. It’s amazing to realize that Amendments that were passed over two hundred years ago still carry weight in our current society. Even after all the innovations and all the change that our society is now characterized by, these Amendments still maintain their presence. But as of right now, these given rights that have been set on stone for so long are in grave danger of being violated. The very catalyst for which makes this country the ‘Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave’ is the same catalyst that is being slowly crippled by laws enacted by our own government to further undermine the power of the United States citizen.

The National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, or the NDAA, establishes that the United States government can seize any American citizen without reason other than suspicion that the person is engaged in some form of illegal activity. The reason this Bill was proposed was to protect the American people from the threat of terrorism. Logic behind this Bill is that the quicker the Government is able to seize terrorist suspects, the less likely another terrorist attack is to occur. But with this, our government has decided to shortchange the American people of liberty at the notion of security. So to quote the famous words of Benjamin Franklin, "Those willing to give up freedom for security deserve neither and will lose both."

If the NDAA was enacted, an American could be seized for no reason other than suspicion, given no trial, and be refused any sort of representation. this Bill basically strips an American of their Fifth and Sixth Amendment Rights. An even greater fear that many hold is that by the Government having this unchecked power, that similar more extreme bills could be aroused in the future. A sort of Domino Effect would occur, causing for even more drastic laws which violate the given rights of American citizens to be passed. A ‘Big Brother’ like society is in the works of being created because of Bills like the NDAA. A blind society in which the people conform to an all-powerful entity because the people are unaware of the power they possess.

The National Defense Authorization Act is a sign of a dying America. An America in which Miranda Rights have been swept under the rug, and an America in which personal freedoms are slowly being diminished to the ever increasing greedy hand of our Government. It is sickening to believe that our Miranda Rights and our Fifth and Sixth Amendment are under attack by the same sort of people that established such rights. 

Even more incredulous is that this Bill was passed 93 to 7 by our Congress. The Congressmen that have been elected to represent millions are sidelined by their own private agenda’s and have failed to recognize the deadly cancer that the NDAA represents. Our President, Barack Obama, has promised that if this Bill reaches his desk he will use his Presidential Power to turn it down immediately. A fear that I hold, as well as many others, is that somehow this Bill will evade the Presidential reach and end up being enacted.

4

hole in the floor.

a hole in the floor in a tin and wood built shed. Climb the ladder to reach the mattresses with the blood stain. Whats the blood stain from? Hold it, I would really prefer not to know. 

To late, you told me anyway.

Damn, Looks like I’m sleeping on the side opposite of that mark. 

A half drank bottle of Jack Daniels with four red cups dispersed along the floor leave a trail of the party that once existed. All possible to the hole in the floor. Climb the latter, but be careful not to fall back down. The state of mind you came into it with will be altered by the time you leave. So relax, just enjoy the night and what it will present.

But was it ever really a party? Or was it just an escape. An escape from the all encompassing nothing which we seem to exist in. That half empty bottle is much like the  half empty part of the soul that is trying to be filled. The empty void longs to have its other half. Much as I longed to capitalize on the situation. I was never a big enough man to understand when I should act and when I should be passive.

a hole in the floor is where a friendship began. It began where the winding trail sewn with tree limbs and wet dirt floor existed. At the end of this trail lied the dock, possessing the open water and a clear night sky.

how I wish you were there with me that night.

The clear night sky was the only limit which I could tell, and time was spent connecting constellations. As well as making our own. 

I’ll name this one ‘Vesuvius’

I’m sure a ‘Vesuvius’ already exists somewhere else, but I’m going to be bold enough to claim it as my own.

Claim it as my own. I think that’s what I might do. Maybe it’ll be the solace on the restless nights. I can look up into the night time darkness to be reminded of a previous time that occurred and be comforted knowing that, at one time, I wasn’t always this lonely.

a thought

and I am torn.
torn between a life of education and a life of service.
torn.
torn between choosing which route I will pursue;
the one I know I yearn for and the one I know will be more beneficial for me
torn.
like the waves that tear at an open shore line on a cold December night as another man dies alone.
And I am torn
torn as to wether I should talk to my parents about these thoughts
torn
so unsure of how they will receive my decision
and torn
as to wether I actually have the courage to follow through with it
and I am torn
torn between choosing the life of a Frat-Superstar at a College I will most likely drop out of
or becoming a Marine and experiencing life on a broad scale
And I am torn
thinking that maybe there is no greater experience, that I am deceiving myself into thinking such
torn
between living a life of freedom that seems to be so shackled

A recurrent theme in my writing seems to be the fact that I allude to shackles and open water. I think the constant revisitation to these phrases are actually an unlocking of my inner-subconscious. Escape from the chains of society and ascend into the freedom of open waters. And I am torn.

4

gray. like the inexplicable nothingness that escapes from my soul. i look through the pain filled window pane of my life to view the desolate street which i have traveled all which i have encountered has died. it‘s like peering into the future only to look at the past to realize that nothing was ever what it seemed. gray. like the inexplicable urge for me to remove myself from everything and everyone. none of these people know me or understand the motives for what i do. a society has condemned me for being myself.. but really what’s new? i will be whoever the fuck i feel like being, and it won’t matter to me your opinion. atleast that’s what i tell myself. I wish I could have the ability to fight like banks. To silence the fuckers who have made my life a misery through their jokes. gray. like the vast nothingness that inhibits me as I serach for a way to escape the mundane happenings of my everyday life. i wish to trascend the city of louisville and achieve more than any other person has achieved. cliche’, i know, but i just want to lead a life that has some sort of importance. i want to travel in a direction which has been uncharted. like sailing on the open ocean breathing in the salt air, only to look around and see the abandonement of the entire situation, to know that i am free from the shackles society has put on me. i don’t want to go to college. i don’t want to face the fact that I have to grow up.

3

257 miles seems far sometimes, but other times, it doesn’t seem that out of reach. it seems ridiculious to me that the same thought still crosses my mind constantly. Missing someone who seems to be far away. What if things had turned out differently? Questions like these keep me up into the late hours of the night. Maybe she doesn’t care anymore, or maybe she never even did. Maybe it was all a hoax or just a game she was playing to fuck with my head. Either way, I know that what I felt and still feel is genuine. 

Sometimes I have to sit back and just laugh about it all. thinking of how it was just seventh grade and we were at some field trip that never amounted to anything. Field trips; when was the last time I got to experience one of those? Either way. How time has passed so quickly. The same questions that keep me up at night are the same ones that generate more of the same questions. I’m always wondering about where we will stand in six years. Ten Years. Will you even remember my name? Or will I just be another face that you briefly knew but quickly discarded. Whatever happened to the youth which we once possessed.

I never meant to deceive you. I was just never a big enough man to be the person who you wanted me to be. And I would apologize for that, but I’m not going too. It just doesn’t seem worth it to be crying over something that seems to distant. 257 miles.

Why is it that a person realizes the true value of something when the person has been separated from it with time and distance?

Another thing that I find extremely ironic is my friendship with Gracie Irby. I went to Elementary school with her in fourth and fifth grades. To this day, we are still good friends, even though I haven’t seen her since. The internet has really made acsessibility to the rest of the world more possible.

Back to the actual topic at hand. If I had just one more chance, just one more opportunity; I would seize it. I always tell myself that if I ever see you again I will walk straight up to you and we will have one of the most passionate kisses that is even imaginable. Fuck the Notebook. But I also understand the true reality of the situation, and am aware that such a thought is just a thought that drives my eyelids open in the late hours of the night. I guess what I’m trying to convey to you is that I miss you and that I’m not the bad guy which I know you think me to be. I’m just trying to cope with the cards that I’ve been dealt and live this life in Louisville that I’ve been given.

eiffel tower

a project for the English class I am taking:

the phallic symbol which stands so proud

steel structure cradled within more steel

vein built upon vein

you are not the most humble tower

but you have never claimed to be

If I tip you to your side, what will you become?

The Leaning Tower Of Phallic

Or If I destroy you completely

will you become a symbol of infertility

But I hope to witness your downfall one day

much as lovers fell down from your climax

deciding to take the fatal leap after reaching your peak

maybe the view was nice looking up

or maybe not

but I guess that’s part of the grand scheme of life

not knowing

the French nation should be so very proud

their masculinity is confirmed

Confirmed by the very statue which says so little by being so big

an overstatement is usually made 

by those who are lacking in some aspect

I’ll keep my Statue and idolize her Liberty

France, I’ll let you enjoy the pointed tip